Home :)

Hello! Just wanted to let you all know that we made it home, safe and sound. The flight back was uneventful, and I was very glad to get into my parents car on Monday afternoon. Yesterday was spent working with my group on our presentation and today has been full of well-intentioned attempts to write my paper... I am having a very hard time taking my experiences and making them my research in order to write about them in an academic way. I need to get on it, though, because on friday Cambodia ends and Paige's wedding begins... Pray for focus and concentration and motivation... :)

I will most likely keep posting throughout the summer and into the year as I have gotten into a habit of it now, but it will not be as often as it has been. Thank you for your prayer and support, and tune in later in the summer if you want to hear about Paige's wedding, my time in the UK, getting scuba certified, or recruitment school... yay!

Most likely the last post from Phnom Penh

I am now back in Phnom Penh, counting down the hours until our departure tomorrow. I have loved so many aspects of this trip, but it is time to go. I am ready to get back to California and hunker down to work for the next week. I think that all the girls are feeling this way. We are a very eclectic group, and I think that our differences are driving each other crazy. There are a few girls who I could spend the rest of my life traveling around with- they are so chill, unassuming, down to earth, and kind. But even my patience is being tried by some of my groups’ antics, and I like to think that I am a relatively patient person. So, I guess, yay for God growing me in that… :) 

Siem Reap was beautiful, but it was so different from Phnom Penh: 1) It was less crowded. 2) It was cleaner. 3) It was smaller. 4) It was swarming with tourists. Phnom Penh, even though it is the capital city, does not attract tourists the way Siem Reap does. Because of the famous Angkor Wat temple complex and the historic nature of the city, it caters to Asian and European tourists. There is a whole street of five-star hotels just a couple minutes away from a street that is closed off to cars and is home to bars and restaurants and dance clubs. It literally is called ‘Bar Street.’ Walking there last night was so strange. We were walking in a swarm of rich tourists from all over the world, the restaurants boasted amazing Mexican food, Italian food, Japanese, Moroccan, Indian… you name it, they have it. Not to mention the fact that the tuk-tuk drivers and the children who sell you stuff in the streets are SO much pushier in Siem Reap. They know that you have money to spend, and they will go to any length to get you to spend it. The children can name the capital of any US state, they can tell you what countries we are situated between, and they can even tell you the names and ages of Obama’s daughters… The first time I was impressed, but it got to the point where I would stop them dead in their tracks, put my hands on their shoulders, look them in the eye and tell them that we were not going to buy their bracelets/post cards/books/scarves/water bottles and that they should go talk to someone who would. I don’t think they get touched much… that technique was the only one I found to get them to stop trying.

  It was so weird to think that just a few hours away from that happening street were people living in shacks, eating off the land, bathing in the river, and trying to bury their country’s history of genocide… I wonder how many of the tourists know?

  Yesterday I had an amazing morning to myself and they met up with the group for lunch. We shopped at the market again and then went back to the Angkor Wat area to ride elephants up to a mountain top temple. I had never been that close to an elephant before, let alone on one, so it was a really cool experience. We sat in a box on the elephants back, and we had to enter and exit from a loading platform… crazy. Pictures to come.

  It is nice to be back at Villa Langka, our hotel. The guys who work here are amazing, and I am going to miss seeing their sweet smiles every morning and evening. I have gotten a bunch of work done and have had some quiet time, too.

20 hours and 45 minutes from now my plane will take off from Phnom Penh International. I am ready to be home. See some of you soon, and talk to the rest of you, hopefully! I am so grateful to you all for your constant support and encouragement. 

A long overdue update, with love from Siem Reap

Hello. J I am much more coherent today… at least I hope I am. I think that I need to finally tell you about this week and explain what prompted my last post. I am on emotional/spiritual/physical overload, so it might take some telling… Hang in there with me.

On Monday all 10 of us plus some of the DC Cam staff piled into our van and drove out to a province for our last big interview. It was with a man named Him Hoy who was a guard at Toul Sleng. While he only admits to actually killing one person, he served in the army against the Lon Nol government and his name appears on countless documents that sign off on the torture and execution of countless people.

 My group was asked to conduct the interview, so Lauren and Jessica tag-teamed the questions and Tiffany and I took notes, picture and video. The interview lasted for two and a half hours, and we got a lot of really good stories and information from him. We did not think that he was being honest with us at all times; it was for sure the story that he wanted us to hear. Other than that, though, it went well. He served us water bottles and tea and sat with us up in his house, not underneath it (which is where the rest of the interviews were held). It was strange to look at the pictures of his son’s wedding on the wall and sip the water he bought for us while he told us stories about clubbing a man to death over a mass grave… I handled it well until the interview was officially over and he had the audacity to say that if it weren’t for the war he would have been able to have more than nine children… Because of him, thousands of people never even had the chance to think about children, and here he is complaining that he could not have had more. It broke me because he was in all ways the victim in his mind. He had to follow rules in order not to be killed himself. That was his rational for everything. He had no guilt and no responsibility. It was a sobering time, to say the least. The last thing we asked him was what he wanted to have peace and his response was, “I will have peace when you stop asking me questions.” So we stopped.

 That night, the majority of the class went back to the amazing Indian/Nepalese restaurant that had calmed my stomach a few days before. The food was great, and over dinner Kosal asked me about sorority life. (I am the most out-spoken sorority girl in my group, but there are 4 of us total) The other four and the rest of the non-affiliated girls got all riled up over their grivences with their own houses or sororities in general, and I sat there defending my sisters and getting really excited for recruitment school… I am strange. But I think that Alpha Delta Pi is a different kind of sorority. I truly do care for each and every one of my sisters. After that lively conversation, we went to a grocery store and then went home.

 Tuesday we spent from 9am to 5pm at the Extraordinary Chambers of the Courts of Cambodia (ECCC) which is the UN sponsored court that is currently trying some of the heads of the KR regime. The man on trial now was actually Him Hoy’s boss. He was a polite, well-spoken grandpa man who in the last decade has converted to Christianity. There is so much I could say about the court, but just know that it was really cool, different than anything that I have ever done, really interesting, and a little bit heart-wrenching. I found it very hard to be mad at Duch, the man on trial. I have forgiven him, and I don't know if that is because he has sought it or if it is just hard to be mad at a sweet little man with reading glasses and his pants up around his rib-cage… Our missionary friend Ken says that he believes Duch really has given his life to Christ, which makes me really happy… imagine how much relief you and I feel when we realize that we are forgiven of, oh, I don’t know… telling a lie, or drinking too much, or having pride in our hearts… and this man is able to claim Christ’s sacrifice to cover the weight of 14,000 people’s deaths. That is a huge burden lifted, and a soul set free. My Jesus died to save him, and he realized it.

 Tuesday night we were going to try to connect with the team from Azusa again, but ended up being drained from the trial. Tiffany, Jessica and I did a new believer follow-up Bible Study, and you should have seen Tiffany just getting all lit up over the truths about her relationship with Christ… The beauty of a heart captivated by Christ is unspeakable. Ahh, it was so good.

 Wednesday we went back to the court in the morning, but only stayed until lunch. Kosal was so angry with the process because the lawyers were asking stupid questions just to waste time, and they were not getting anywhere. We came back to DC Cam and watched footage from their archives: images from the only white reporter who was allowed into Cambodia during the regime and a recording of a DC Cam play called “Breaking the Silence.” When it was over, we were drained. The DC Cam director, Youk, invited us up onto the roof of the building to enjoy some fresh fruit (pictures later, the fruit is SO crazy looking! But so yummy!) and some home-cooked Cambodian food. They were so kind to us the whole time that we were there… They really went out of their way to make us feel like family. I would love to go back and work with them again.

 We are now getting to the part in the story that prompted the last post. Lauren wanted to go to the supermarket, and there was no way that I was going to let her go by herself, so we got a tuk-tuk from DC Cam to head over there. On the way, we had to wait at an intersection to make a U-turn before pullin up in front of the market. Sitting on the meridian dividing the road was a little boy, no more than 5 or 6 years old, barefoot and dirty, holding a little baby in a sling on his side. He stood up in the foot between our tuk-tuk and the wall and started to beg for money.

 This is not the first time that I have been approached here by children begging for money, but it had not been like this before. I had just got done telling Lauren that I was weary. I was saying how I had never been in a place like this, and how it was draining me. The interviews, the courts, the children… it was all starting to get to me, and then I was tired inon top of that. When our tuk-tuk began to pull forward, the boy held on and ran along side of it. I started saying, “No, no, no, no… don’t do this, please…” We stopped again, and on the right side of me came a little girl, between lanes of traffic. She could not have been older than 8, and she also had a baby on her hip. I looked into the intersection and saw another boy… There were children all over the street, with their younger siblings on their hips, begging for money. Apparently this is a common practice. The parents send their children out to get money. If the kid brings back something, the parents gamble it away and send them out again, if they don’t bring anything back, they are punished. It is a no win situation.

 The little boy was close enough to me that I could have reached over to take the child from him and pull him into the tuk-tuk. He gazed at me with deep, pleading, heart-breaking eyes, and I lost it. I completely broke down… I started crying; sobbing in the open tuk-tuk. We finally turned around and pulled up to the store. When we got out of the tuk-tuk, a little girl asked for money and a little boy came up to me and grabbed onto my bag. He looked up at me (I was still crying) and asked for help. Lauren put her arm around me and ushered me away from the boy and into the air-conditioned, brightly lit store. I looked around and all I saw were upper-class Cambodians and foreigners, buying $7 swiss chocolate and evian water… such a stark contrast to what I had just walked away from.

 Lauren did her shopping and I picked up some candy for Niro and then sat and cried some more. I was attracting all kinds of weird looks, but I couldn’t help it. I was devastated.

 When we got back to the hotel I went to Jessica and Tiffany’s room. I walked in and Hillson “None but Jesus” was playing on Jessica’s computer… I broke down again. We then proceeded to sit for about 30 minutes and cry out to God, sing worship songs, pray, and talk…

 This has not been the easiest semester for me… most of you know all about it, but with my family’s situation of living in two cities, breaking up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, being on ADPi exec, leading a trip to the UK, my brother getting ready for boot camp and my best friend preparing for her wedding, there have been many things to think about and process through. I have cried a lot, I have prayed a lot, I have sought wisdom, and I have given my heart to my Jesus again and again. (Praise him for he is faithful.) It was amazing to me, though, because the pain I felt when I saw those little children was exponentially greater than the pain I have felt this entire season.

 Christ is moved to tears because of the compassion that he has for his people, the sheep of his pasture. I have prayed for his heart before, which has caused me to weep for the lost, but it has never been this intense. The lost in America are my sorority sisters, my classmates, my friends. They are living without hope, but they are not destitute. Their state is just as far from the Lord as the children in Cambodia, but they have never made me feel his pain as deeply. They have so much less of an excuse than the little ones… Pain motivated because of compassion hurts in ways that I did not know I could hurt. It had nothing to with me, yet I felt it in the core of my being. I physically ached with a longing to wrap my arms around those children and usher them into His presence… and I was powerless to do so. I did not even know how to respond.

 That night Jessica and I went out with Ken, the missionary, again. He took us to a church-sponsored English class, and then to a continuation house for children who have grown up in his provincial orphanages and are now attending university in Phnom Penh. We got to worship with them and fellowship and pray together, and it was like a healing balm on my heart. Jessica put it best: God was present in this place before we got here, and He will endure and continue here after we leave. He knows what he is doing, and he has a plan for this country. I am blessed to have experienced even a sliver of His heart for the poor… I understand a little more about my Beloved now than I did, and I am so grateful for that. Oh, and cool side note, my friend Nick might be planning a missions trip back to Cambodia in December… So God really is stiring hearts to come to this place, and I have so much hope in his eternal perspective. Pray for the kids at SJSU as they decide whether or not they should be coming later this year!

 Thursday was a relaxed day. We toured the Royal Palace, ate at our favorite restaurant, and got caught in a rain storm as we were traveling to a Christian book store by tuk-tuk… Adventures! Love it! J Jessica got a Bible in Khmer, I got Hilsong in Khmer, and Tiffany found her Cambodian Cross necklace… She is so in love, you guys. She is hard core excited about Jesus. She even has a list of people that she wants to share him with already and she is only a week old in her faith! Love it!

 That afternoon we watched our last documentary, and then DC Cam threw a party… They roasted two cows for us, which is quite the feast, and hung out with us. Kosal came up to me about 5 minutes before the party was about to start and said, “Christina, they are going to want someone to say something to start off the reception… I assume that you will want to say something?” haha… Oh Kosal. I have become the spokesperson and organizer of the group… big surprise, right? J So, as soon as the director came out, I thanked the whole staff on behalf of our class (they really did take such good care of us) and then they gave me the first cut of meat… it was soo good.

 DC Cam has summer interns who are law students, and one of them is here with his fiancé… in talking to them, I found out that the fiancé is my sister! As in, she is a Pi member in Alpha Delta Pi! She was the cutest thing, a tiny blonde elementary school teacher in New Orleans. She and I exchanged some secret ADPi signs, and then we took a diamond picture… it was amazing. I was so excited.

 The night ended with packing and then an epic Karaoke marathon at a fancy hotel. Five of us girls went along with about 15 to 20 people from DC Cam. It was hilarious. The Cambodians are so classy and reserved and traditional when they are dancing to Khmer songs, but then when some popular American songs came on, they ‘got low’ the same way any frat guy at an exchange would… It was amazing. I have never seen one of my professors have such a good time. Wow.

 We are now in Siem Reap, Kosal’s home town and the city that holds Angkor Wat, a really famous and old temple. After tons of drama over the 5am hotel departure, we are all happily lounging by the pool and relaxing before an afternoon of touring and exploring.

 Sorry this is so long… I had a lot to tell you all. J I love you so much, thank you for letting me know that you love me. Your prayers and words of encouragement mean the world.

 Till next time…

~His

 PS~ Because we are at a hotel without free wireless, I have to limit my time online… I typed this in a word doc this morning, and now (Friday night) I am getting on to post, so I figured I would just add on… We spent the morning at the pool today (and, yes, I got quite sunburned. Grr. Its my own fault, but I hate this feeling.) We then went to a yummy lunch/snack, shopped a little, and explored Angkor Wat, the beautiful and very famous temple. Tonight we went to what felt like the Cambodian equivalent of a Luau… except instead of dancing they preformed traditional Apsara dances. (Google it, it is really cool)

 Two prayer requests, on top of everything: 1) We only have like three full days together, but tensions in the class are running high. There were harsh words and tears today. Pray for soft hearts and peace in our group. 2) Niro asked me today if she could be a part of my community at SC (!!!) and come to Crusade/AGO/Bible Study stuff. She is Catholic, and her fiancé is Muslim and her family is Buddhist… she loves Jesus, but I am not sure how well she knows him… pray for her heart and for a revelation of truth. Ok, I am sorry this is so long! Love you all.

heart's cry

Beloved, this country is wrecking me. Jessica and I asked you to break us in that Taipei prayer sess, and sometimes I wonder why I pray things like that. Lord, I am weary. I am broken. I am helpless here. Yet you are faithful, you are sovereign, you know about this place. You were here before I got here, and you will remain. Lord, the children... Save the children. Christ, I am begging you, I am pleading with you, pull them out of darkness and into your light. You are a God of compassion; my weeping is nothing compared to the anguish in your heart when you see your little ones suffering without your hope. I am at a loss, I am so weak and so wretchedly unable to do anything for the children. I am desperate for your comfort right now, as I rock here, broken and discouraged. I cry out to you, Lord, because you sustain me. You endure, you press on, even when I cannot and when I lose hope. You are faithful, your love remains, and you are sovereign. Christ, I cannot even type this prayer for the tears. Your love for these people has captivated my heart all over again. You are the most beautiful love, you died for them as much as you did for me. You desire them to know you. Thank you for bringing me here. Thank  you for showing me a glimpse of your heart for the poor. You are the everlasting God, you do not faint and you won't grow weary. No power of hell and no scheme of man can ever take me away from you, you have captured my heart and I am yours forever. If you want me to come back here, I will. In my weakness I am overwhelmed and I desire to run. I desire to flee and not subject my failing heart to this pain, but I will remain for you are faithful. Lord, I have never felt this sort of pain, like my heart is being torn away from me. Pain over lost relationships and broken covenants and changing situations is nothing in comparison to the pain that you feel for your people. Compassion hurts, Jesus, but you have endured the pain. I give my heart to you, all over again, for I cannot bear it alone, and you do not desire me to. Jesus, I love you. You are my bridegroom, I am yours completely. Jesus, you are all this heart is living for. "Forever, my God, you reign on high with wisdom and power, glory divine. Forever you're father and son and you're spirit in one, it's a mystery I can't deny. Forever your mercy fills my soul, for by the cross you've made me whole. Forever I'm justified, I' being sanctified, set apart for your glory, oh Lord. Forever I'm yours." I love you. Use me as you will. And let us all be faithful to fulfilling your mission on this earth, whatever that means, Lord. We will do it. I love you.

New Life

On Sunday Lauren, Jessica, Tiffany and I ventured out in a Tuk-tuk to a church in Phnom Penh called New Life Center... Ken had told us that it was a legit church, and we were almost positive that it was the church my friend's friends were going to be at. (Did I already explain that? My friend Scott Daily who I have known since Jr. High School but haven't seen or talked to in years messaged me last week saying that his girl friend and roommate and other friends were in Cambodia on a missions trip through Azusa. I have been in touch with his girlfriend, Nicole, and with the leader of their trip, Tracy, via phone and facebook, and we were hoping to meet up and swap stories.) When we got to church, we got headphone translators, and I walked up to a group of western students and said, "Hi, are you guys from Azusa?" Sure enough, it was the team. Right away, Nicole, Tracy, and Scott's room mate, Steven got up and introduced themselves. We sat near them, and the service started. 

There was rocking worship, and strong, energetic worship dance with tambourines. It reminded me of worship in South Korea (reference that will only really help Heather, Gen, and my British friends...) I feel like in America worship dance is silly/cheesy, but this was... awesome. The Cambodians who were dancing were all my age, they were excited and joyful and beautiful. The songs were being sung in Khmer, and the words on the screen were Khmer with English translation, but then they did One Way, and even though it was in Khmer, I could sing along in English. 

One Way is a huge part of my testimony, it is a song that has continually been important at various markers in my life. When they played it at New Life, I was overwhelmed. I have been waiting to break down this whole week, I have been asking God when he was going to let me weep for his people, for his Beloved in Cambodia. I have been feeling the burden of the oppressed, the poor, the broken, and I have felt like I had no outlet for that pressure. All the stories I have heard did not make me cry, and all the things I have seen that should have made me cry have not. I was starting to feel emotionally cramped. I wanted to cry out to the Lord, I felt like I was on the edge of it, yet it had not come yet. Well, on Sunday in church it came. 

I was standing next to Lauren, who was already crying for the sheer joy of being in church (She has not been in about a year and a half.) Next to her was Tiffany, experiencing her first time in church as a Christian, and then Jessica, who had God promise to her that she was going to Cambodia a year ago and who has been loving every aspect of this trip... needless to say it was an intense time for all of us. 

After One Way they played Above All: "crucified, laid behind a stone. He lived to die, rejected and alone. like a rose, trampled on the ground, he took the fall, and thought of me above all..." and that is when I really lost it. I found myself on my knees, sobbing, so sweetly broken over finally being able to express my heart for this place and having so much joy and freedom in being able to express to the Lord the pain I feel for the tragedies here. It was such a needed time, and I felt so safe in the fellowship of the international body of believers. I love the Kingdom of God. It is the most beautiful thing on this earth to be able to have a family almost anywhere you go. After Above All they played Majesty: "Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in  your hands..." That is how I feel in this place. Actually, that is how I have felt this whole season. It has been a hard semester, sure, and there are a handful of things that hurt my heart at the moment, but I am alive in His hands. I have joy in all circumstances because I am at rest in His will. I have nothing to offer, and it is only through his power that I am still smiling. Sweetly broken, alive in His hands. Church was so good, too. There were parts of the teaching that I was like, "um, huh? I don't think so..." But for the most part it was great. The one thing that jumped out to me was the idea that it is not our successes that make us succeed more, but rather how we allow God to deal with our failures and teach us through them. Good stuff. 

After church, my girls went back to the hotel and I went to lunch with the team from Azusa. They were such a blessing. They knew a lot of my south hills people from San Jose, and they were just so welcoming and open to having me tag along. Over lunch, two of them picked my brain on all that I have learned about the Khmer Rouge, and it was so nice to share it with people who love Jesus... They totally shared my burden, and wanted to know what had been hard for me. They listened to my stories about interviews, the history of the KR, and even what I have been experiencing with the class and what I had learned the night before from the missionary. They asked all the right questions, and encouraged me with words of truth in all the right ways. Fellowship is like healing balm, I swear, the body of Christ is the most beautiful thing. 

After lunch I went back with them to the YWAM center they are staying at, and then four of them (Nicole, Tracy, Steven, and a guy named Noah who is actually dating a girl that I was in small group with senior year... so fun...) came back to my hotel with me to go swimming, relax, use the free wireless, sip lime juice, and fellowship more. It was so refreshing for me. They were a great bunch. I am so grateful to Scott for connecting me with them, it really was exactly what I needed. I think that they liked the chance to swim, too. :) 

When they left I went out to dinner with some of the girls to a swanky place by the river. The food was great, and the night was not super hot, but I was soooo sleepy. I crashed right after typing up an interview report and reset my alarm three times before waking up this morning. 

I am fading fast now, I will have to tell you about our interview with the murderer tomorrow. Love you all... really. Thank you for your constant prayer, support, and encouraging messages, notes, and emails! 

~His

Highs and Lows Part II

After spending a slightly frustrating hour solidifying my classes plans for our end of the week trip to Siem Reap, I got ready and went out to lunch with 6 of the girls. Kiel was sick and Meredith and Nastasia were planning to meet up with us later. We went to a restaurant called Friends which takes kids off the street and teaches them culinary skills. The food was amazing, the restaurant was so cute, and the kids who work there were so kind, hospitable, and gracious. We will for sure go back there... You could even drink the water because they have a filter! It was excellent. 

We went to the Russian Market afterwards, which is very similar to the market that Mary-Kate and Ashley do a chase scene through in Holiday in the Sun... (Reference for you, Paige!) We bartered, got lost among the stalls, got incredibly over heated, and got some fun, pretty things. The Tuk-Tuk back to the hotel was so refreshing... those little motorcycle-drawn carts allow for wind and a chance to air out. Love it. :) 

Jessica had a connection (a friend of her Pastor from home) who is an Assemblies of God missionary in Cambodia. She has been in touch with him this whole time, and we decided to go out to eat with him to chat about his work and what is going on in Cambodia spiritually. His name is Ken, he is a tall, thin white guy who speaks fluent Khmer and has been here for the past 10 years. Lauren, Jessica and I jumped in his truck, closed our eyes as he navigated through the crazy traffic, and asked him tons of questions. 

I asked him what he does and what the spiritual climate is here in Cambodia, because they are at a really interesting time... The church is just being formed, this generation is learning how to lead and how to witness, and the missionaries are trying to figure out how to work together. He told us that he just, for the first time, took a group of seven students to a youth leaders conference to train them up and he was very encouraged by how excited they got. He also told us about some really cool ministries that members of his team are getting to start. So, there are good things happening in Cambodia. 

On the other hand, there are many things that he shared with us that literally broke my heart. I am still recovering from it. I have gotten used to corruption in the government, and Cambodian culture being not at all in line with scriptural doctrine. That is to be expected. What I did not expect were stories of hard core corruption within the "Christians" in Cambodia. Ken told us about christian criminals, men who go to the States to raise awareness and tons of funds for the orphans, the poor, and the oppressed here and then come back and buy fancy cars and expensive houses and body guards, and never give anything to the people who need it. He said that it got so bad a few years ago that one of the christian criminals bought a bunch of guns and was threatening lives if other church leaders did not align and fall under him. I was appalled. I seriously just sat there and had no words. He went on to say that one of the biggest supporters of this criminal was a worker with Campus Crusade, and that broke my heart. (The man no longer works for Cru, and Cru still is in good standing in Cambodia,  but it was just so sad to hear.) Call me idealistic, but this kind of corruption should not exist in the church. 

Not only did he open our eyes to the struggles facing the emerging church in this country, but he told us in no uncertain terms the extent of the corruption, crime, and depravity. Things like foreign men who come to Cambodia, get themselves a Cambodian wife, and use her to help them round up little boys... Apparently Cambodia has one of the highest densities of pedophiles in the world. Not only that, but every time you rent a hotel room (as an adult male) the question is, "Would you like a girl with that?" As we were walking along the street, we passed a lot of bars with pretty young girls standing outside. Ken told us that they were waiting to sell themselves for the night. Fighting through traffic on the way back to the hotel, Ken passed a spot where a couple of weeks ago he found a dead body. Because young boys do not have a concept of their mortality and because they don't have id and because no one knows first aid, when there is a motorbike accident, the body is just left in the middle of the road. I could seriously go on and on... it broke my heart. 

It was not all bad, though. Ken took us to an open air night market, and it was fun to watch him interact with the Cambodians there. No one expected him to speak Khmer, so when he did, the reactions were priceless. He started talking to some college-aged girls, and when he told them he was a Bible teacher, their eyes lit up. It was like being in Tokyo all over again. Seeing a heart respond to the chance to hear the hope of Christ for the first time is one of the most beautiful things. 

All in all, I was drained at the end of the night. Sunday rolled around, and I was exhausted, spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally... I really needed to go to church. After I get some work done, I will come back and tell you all about Sunday... It was so sweet. God is so eager to encourage and provide. Until later... 

~His

Highs and Lows

I feel like there is so much to tell you about... I will try not to be too verbose. Today was a Jesus day. I mean, most days are, but today was to a really cool degree. Ok, here we go. 

Yesterday after the hospital I came back to the hotel, went swimming, showered, and vegged for a while. My roomie Lauren was sleeping so I went to Jessica and Tiffany's room. Tiff was still feeling a little bit icky, but we were able to have some really great conversations. We were being silly, talking about God and boys and friends and all the things that girls talk about, and it was a sweet way to pass the afternoon. When it was just me and Tiffany, we got into a great chat about salvation, and how so many people think that they have to be sanctified before they are justified (i.e. they cannot come to God until they get their act together) and how wrong that is. We read through Philippians 3 and 4 and talked about pressing on toward the goal for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus... I think that it was cool for Tiffany to hear because she has never thought that she could claim His grace. Right as the other girls were coming back, I asked her, "So, where are you? What are you waiting for?" and she had no answer... She told me that she had to think about that and get back to me. The rest of the night was spent telling life stories and laughing. 

We had a jolt back to reality when Savannah and Alexis, two of the other girls in the class, came into the room to report that Alexis was robbed. They had been coming back from dinner, had pulled up right in front of our hotel, and were getting out of the cab-equivalent in Cambodia - They are called Tuk-tuks and are open carriages attached to the back of motorcycles - when two guys on motorcycle drove by and grabbed her bag off her body. She didn't have her passport in it, thank God, but she was very very shook up. The hard part is that her mom, bless her heart, is VERY protective, and has been telling Alexis all along that she is going to be kidnapped and sold into the sex trade, etc., so when she called her to tell her to cancel credit cards, she was not very consoling. It took two glasses of wine and a couple of hours for Alexis to calm down enough to fall asleep. (I went to bed before it happened... poor girl)

Jessica, Tiffany, Lauren and I planned to have Bible Study this morning, so I got up early to check email and wake up. I had an email from Tiffany that literally made me squeal. Here is a snippet from it:

I JUST SURRENDERED TO JESUS. whole heartedly. in cambodia. God was hard core stalking me my whole life. MY WHOLE LIFE. i could go on for hours. God is moving here. I am in LOVE. SO MUCH. Pray for me. This is a first step. a first BEAUTIFUL FANTASTICALLY AMAZING, RELIEVING, STRESS RELIEVING, GLORIFYING MOMENT. we all knew I was going to Cambodia for a reason. I needed away from everyone, even you both [her Jesus-loving friends at SC who shared Christ with her all last year] to realize that my relationship with God isn't through you. Here, its not through christina. Its not thru Jessica, it is between me and Him. And He has taken me to this place that needs hope, so much hope. and He has given me the eternal gift of hope. and i am just so grateful and so speechless. and i cant stop writing. there will never EVER be enough words for what is happening right now in me. and we know I have a lot to say, but oh its just beautiful. so much.

So, yes. I left my computer with my confused room mate by the pool and ran to their door, pounded on it, woke them up, and hugged Tiffany until I was about to cry. It is so amazing to welcome a sister into the family of God. She is a fellow warrior now! She is set apart for His purposes. I am so excited. 

In Taipei during our lay over on the way here Jessica and I prayed to see someone put their faith in Christ - not because He has to prove himself to us but because it is His desire to seek and save that which is lost. Less than a week later, he answered that prayer. I am so amazed, still, sitting here and thinking about it. God is so good. He is so faithful. I am so in love. 

Tiffany and I jumped in the pool and talked about basking and marinating in His blessing and Hie presence and His goodness. We talked about baptizing her in the pool later in the trip. It is going to happen. Geee God is so crazy amazing! 

I am about to fall asleep as I type this, so I will have to tell you about lunch, the Russian Market, and dinner with the Missionary later. I think this is a good note to pause on. 

All love from Him who loves us most, through me, who desires to love like him :) 

till later...

Isaiah 61

When I left you last, I was waiting for my classmates to get home from their adventure to the Cambodia/Vietnam boarder. When they got back, I heard the crazy stories of their sketch hotel, crazy car ride and questionable food... and I knew that it had been a good decision to stay home. I went out to dinner with some of the girls (Jessica, my Jesus-lover, Lauren, my roomie, Niro, our Sri Lankan beauty, and Keil, who has one of the funniest dry senses of humor) We got really yummy Indian food, and it was so good. We ended up getting cocktails too. The little amount of alcohol that I nursed over the course of our meal totally calmed my stomach, and I left the restaurant feeling much better. 

After dinner, Jessica, Lauren and I tried to have Bible Study. I have been loving Isaiah 61 lately (thank you, Heather, for sending me that reference!) so we opened it up and read through it... 

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion. To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor... Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs..." (Isaiah 61:1-3, 7) 

Jessica and I read this, and we were speechless... utterly speechless. We sat there and just stared at the Bible, our beloved Word of God, and just let ourselves marinate in it. It is so hard for both of us to be here in the context that we are here. We know that the people we are talking to are grateful for the chance to share their stories, and that it is part of their healing process, so we are glad to listen, but it is not the comprehensive, all over healing that is found in Christ Jesus. I know that God, in His infinite wisdom, desires to make himself known to every person in this beautiful country, but I am dying inside knowing that I have his hope and I am not speaking it. We are here representing academics, representing DC Cam, working with translators who are Cambodian and do not expect us to do anything more than ask our genocide questions and conduct our research. These people, though, are so much more than a study for me... they are the ones that my Beloved died to save. The weight of that is killing me, it is such a hard position to navigate, and I am struggling with it so much... I want to be speaking the gospel to them. I want to be showing them the hope that I have found in Christ when they have nothing to hope for. I want them to find everlasting joy, peace, and salvation and know that they will be justified by a just God, even if the ECCC does not bring adequate justice to the Cambodian people.  The word tells us that the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon us and that we have the anointing to preach the good news to the poor, so I know that I can claim that, but at the same time I am having such a hard time reconciling my position as a member of DC Cam and as a researcher with my passion for people, the nations, and the lost. I want to be an ambassador of reconciliation, I want to help bring the Spirit who will bind up the broken hearted, I want to expose the light of Christ in a place that was filled with darkness. It is so hard. If you know my heart at all, you know that this rambling paragraph does not even capture a sliver of the passion that I have in me, and you can only guess how much this is tearing me apart. I am trying so hard not to emotionally cut myself off from the work we are doing, but at the same time, I don't know how to be true to the Holy God living in me...

Anyway, after Bible Marinate time, we went to bed, and I set my alarm as usual, promising to wake up Lauren when I was out of the shower. At about 2:30am, though, I woke up to my poor roomie getting really sick in the bathroom. The Wendy in my kicked in, and I was in there with her, with a wet wash cloth and her water bottle, trying to sooth her. She got sick 8 times in the next 6 hours, and by the time morning rolled around, we realized that she was dangerously dehydrated. I sat with her in the hospital for about 2-3 hours while she had an IV drip 2 liters of fluids in her. When we got back, we ate lunch and as far as I know she is still asleep in our room. 

While in the hospital, God totally answered prayer and we got to have some really sweet conversation. My beautiful roomie is recovering from what she called a "crisis of faith" and is slowly but surely coming back to a knowledge of her identity in Christ. She has a lot of wounds, in many forms, that she is recovering from, but I have full confidence in the healing, redemptive power of the Holy Spirit to come into her heart and speak love to her. I am also praying that if He desires it, God would use me in her life to help break down walls... I mean, this kind of friendship is what I want to be involved in for the rest of my life... I guess it is kinda like setting the captives free. 

Wow. God is so good. He is so faithful to answer prayers... Love you all. 

Learning to be flexible

So, yesterday I woke up full of anticipation (and apparently other things, but that will come later) because the plan was to interview a former Khmer Rouge prison guard who is possibly responsible for the deaths of countless prisoners. After the interview we were going to visit the site of the prison, which is in the center of Phnom Penh. In the afternoon we were all planning to go to the Cambodian/Vietnam border, sleep there, and conduct interviews today before returning to Phnom Penh tonight. I was feeling a little queasy at breakfast, but I figured it was just hunger mixed with exhaustion and apprehension about what we were going to do that day... 

When we could not get in touch with our interviewee, we decided to go to the prison first. It is called Toul Sleng, or S-21, and when the Vietnamese army entered Phnom Penh in 1979 and liberated the city from the Khmer Rouge, they found the prison exactly as the regime had left it, dead bodies in torture chambers and all. The Documentation Center has video footage of the initial discovery of S-21... graphic is an understatement. It was incredibly hard to walk through those rooms... Toul Sleng has become a popular tourist attraction now, and the historic authenticity has been somewhat lost. Example: My instructor, Kosal, was infuriated because since he had been there last the Cambodian government had repainted one of the buildings to make it more attractive to tourists... DC Cam stopped them in the middle of the job, outraged that they thought they could alter the place like that... it is so disrespectful to the victims and survivors. Beggars have realized that tourists are abundant there, as well. There were men at the gates without a leg, without an arm, and without an eye, preying on the tourists who were coming and going. 

One of my team mates, Tiffany, who had also been feeling a little sick, got sick at S-21, but I held it together. We headed off to interview a nearby survivor, and it was half way through that interview that I really started feeling poor. I could not look at the video camera and I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. We took a cab-type-thing back to the hotel (an open carriage attached to the back of a motor bike) and my team went out to lunch while Tiffany and I rested. I was still planning to go to to the border. 

When they got back and everyone was packing, I got really sick... and decided to stay in Phnom Penh. I went to bed, all by myself while my whole group went to the province, at 3 in the afternoon. I didn't wake up until 7am this morning. Guess I needed the sleep. :) 

Today was sweet. I like to be alone every once in a while, and I got to wake up this morning, do some work, slowly try to eat (which was successful, everything is staying down today, Praise God!) and then go back to bed. Kosal's sister, Rachana, who also works at DC-Cam and is a huge sweetheart, called to check in on me a little before noon. She came to the hotel and took me out to lunch, ordered me yummy soup and plain rice, and told me a little bit more of her and her family's story. What a beautiful woman! I really like her. When conversation shifted, I was able to briefly share the gospel with her, and talk about my heart for missions a little bit, which was what I was praying for... so exciting! Pray for Rachana and her husband and her son, LiebLieb (which means LuckyLucky... so cute!) I think (slash, I know) that Jesus desires to be known by them... Yay great conversations when I was not expecting them!

After lunch I went back to DC Cam with Rachana, and with coffee, water, and a few tums I was able to get through the rest of the afternoon without stomach problems... Thank you Jesus. I am still not 100% but I think I am over the worst of it. DC Cam hires about 10 summer interns, and I got to meet a few of them this afternoon... They are an impressive bunch, all law students from schools like Harvard and Northwestern, here for the summer doing research for the prosecution in the ECCC. It was cool to talk to them, and one of the girls even knew of Campus Crusade (they asked me if I had plans after graduating, like going to Law School... I said that I had different plans, but was open to whatever is in store)

I will say, though, that being here and doing this work while still having so many opportunities to speak my Beloved's name is opening my heart to the idea of not joining staff right away... We will see. It is something to really pray about, though, as I go into my senior year at SC... Any thoughts, words of wisdom, or discerned words from the Lord from any of you, my dear supporters and friends, would be welcome, as always. :) 

1st Day of Interviews!

Tuesday was the first day that we went into the field. I got up at 5am in order to have enough time in the morning to get everything done that I needed to do because we were leaving at 7 to head out to the provinces. The nine of us piled into a car - Alexis, our resident self-proclaimed fruitloop, had been sick all night and could not come with us. (Sometime remind me to tell you about Alexis, she is a hoot and the reason that we are all in high spirits on this trip... I have seriously never met a girl like her) 

I was a little apprehensive about what the day would hold, so I spent some time in the car journaling and looking over the questions that we had prepared to ask perpetrators. I was going to be the group member asking the questions, so I wanted to be very familiar with them. The first man that we interviewed had been a gate guard at Toul Sleng prison, the main political prison in Phnom Penh. He was forced to join the Khmer Rouge when he was 12, and during the regime almost his entire family died from starvation or other causes. Yet on the other hand, he had to have proved himself at some point to the KR, or else they would not have trusted him to guard the walls of S-21 (other name for the prison). Is this man a victim, or a perpetrator? Is he responsible on any level for what went on behind those walls? The interview went well, we played with the new-born puppies that were running around his hut/house, and we left him. 

While we were waiting to figure out what to do next, we attracted the attention of about 6 0r 7 children of the village. We tried to get them to play with us, and in the process a crown grew. There were about 30 or 40 people of all ages watching us play with their children... It was a little strange, but the sweet kids loved it. We taught them the hokey pokey, ring around the rosie, london bridge, and head shoulders knees and toes... They got a kick out of it! They were so precious, videos and pictures to come, and they were so lively, running around in hodge-podge clothing, laughing and making fun of themselves and us, playing our games and smiling for pictures... I loved every minute with those children, it was hard to walk away from them.

We left because we had another interview to get to, but on the way there we got caught in a down pour and our translator directed us to run into the nearest house. He asked the people for shelter, and they agreed. It turns out that they were a community of Cham Muslims (one of the ethnic minorities who were persecuted during the KR... no religious practices were allowed under the regime) and they were willing to be interviewed. There were four generations of this sweet family living in one place. The great grandmother was a middle aged woman during the KR, and she told us her story while her son and daughter in law chimed in, and while her grand daughter (a 27 year old woman) nursed her youngest baby. Her great grand children (a 6 year old boy that the family adopted, a four year old girl who might have been the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and a baby boy) were so precious and we ended up spending about 2 hours with them after the interview, waiting for our other car to come and just getting to know this family. Through laughter, hand signals, smiles, hugs, and a little help from our translator, we got along just fine. I told the mother of the young children that I hoped to have kids half as beautiful as hers by the time I was 27... That would be a precious, amazing accomplishment. (What do you think, God? :) ) 

When we finally left that beautiful family, we headed to a high school to help DC Cam distribute text books about the Khmer Rouge to the students... It is amazing to think that we, as American College students, know more about the KR then the children of survivors do. It is not talked about, and the students are eager to learn. After their assembly they swarmed around us, giving us their phone numbers, wanting to practice English, and asking us to not forget them. I was talking to one girl who told me that although she wanted to go to university she could not because her family did not have enough money and her mother was sick. It broke my heart. She gave me her school picture and her phone number... Why are all these boys and girls so captivating? They have a beauty that I have not seen in the states... it is so different. To them school is a privilege, not an obligation. They live in villages and don't have cars or electricity or running water, yet they have a stronger sense of family and community than I have ever seen in the States. I am traveling with girls who suffer from anxiety, depression, and ADD... not to say that these things are not valid, but there is just not an option to worry about things like that in the villages. The things that we worry about as Americans makes me think that we have far too much time on our hands. (Which is ironic, because we are one of the most busy-body cultures around) What I mean is that there is just not room to worry about luxury in Cambodian villages. No one sees therapists, there is not an option of divorce, children live right next door from their parents when they grow up, entire villages raise children, the idea of world travel is non-existent. I am not thinking that this way of life is preferable, but it is interesting... I think that the western world, myself included, could learn so much from the simple love of life in the Cambodian village culture. 

That is pretty much it for wednesday... we were so hyper on the way back to Phnom Penh that we filmed crazy videos in the car and laughed till our sides hurt... it was a great day. 

Killing Fields and Kingdom Connections

Monday was our first day of "work", as opposed to the tourist stuff we had been doing. We dressed to impress (it is stinkin hard to walk in heels in Phnom Penh... the streets are not in the best condition, and there is trash everywhere) and showed up to DC Cam so sweaty. That just goes to show you how hot it is here. It is a 5 minute walk to the Documentation Center, and it was only about 9 in the morning, but we were drenched. Nice. 

At DC Cam we got to look at primary documents from the Khmer Rouge Regime, like reports of killings and updates on Vietnam. The Khmer Rouge thought that the Vietnamese were the worst of all enemies, so the reports are filled with intense propaganda. It is crazy that we are using the same documents for our research that the ECCC (UN Criminal Court) is using in their prosecution. 

We broke for lunch and went as a group of 8 to the same place we had gotten drinks the day before... And then got to take about 15 minutes to just sit in our air-conditioned room and breathe. It is exhausting to be out in the heat constantly, but it is part of the Cambodian experience. 

Our afternoon was spent at Choeung Ek Killing Fields. Thousands of people were murdered at this sight during the KR. They were forced to dig their own graves (mass graves) and then were brutally killed over them. The site has now been turned into a memorial and a museum, and the leadership of the site met with our team to discuss our work. They want us to film all of our interviews (which we were doing anyway) and donate our footage so that they can publish it (along with our papers) in their museum. I am trying to not be overwhelmed with what is expected of our research... It is so important that I just hope to do the people justice in my representation of their memories and experiences. 

We took a tour of the grounds, and while we were walking from pit to pit and stepping on teeth and bones and scraps of clothing that have surfaced in the last 30 years, I saw a western man in a William Jessup shirt. Turns out that there was a group of Christian students at Choeung Ek from WJU who had been traveling through South East Asia working with Christian ministries in the area... He gave me his email and the name of a man to look up who has planted about 300 churches in Cambodia. It was so encouraging. That morning, as well, I got a fb message from my friend Scott Daily (a good friend from Jr. High youth group who I haven't talked to since like freshmen year of college) saying that his girlfriend, roommate, and a bunch of other APU students were on a missions trip to Cambodia right now, working with a ministry that takes girls out of the sexual slavery and helps them integrate back into society. They are in Phnom Penh for as long as we are... I love kingdom connections! Praise God, His work is being done in Cambodia. I asked Him to give me random Jesus connections, and He is answering my prayer hard core. I love it. I love Him. Praise God, and Holy Spirit, keep doing your work here! 

After coming back to the hotel, I spent about an hour and a half with two of the girls, Jessica and Tiffany. Jessica is the stellar Christian who I've mentioned before, and Tiffany is hard core open to the gospel. We shared our testimonies, and I got to share the gospel with her, and we read scripture together... It was sweet. An afternoon of answered prayer. This girl's heart is to open to the hope of Christ. Pray for her salvation! Pray that she will make a decision to have Christ as her personal Lord and Saviour! She is amazing, I want her to be fighting at my side, contending for the sake of the gospel. :)

After the long conversation, we left their room and went as far as the pool deck for lime juice and hotel food (which, despite the fact that two of my classmates have gotten sick, is really yummy) We all get sort of punch drunk at the end of the day, so we sat around laughing and debriefing our days through humor and budding friendships. I really like the girls I am in class with, they each bring something different, unique, and important to our group, and they are hilarious. 

The objects of the King's Affection

Our first night in Cambodia we went out to dinner with some of the staff at the Documentation Center to a really fancy Chinese Cambodian restaurant. We were on the top floor of tall building overlooking one of the main streets in Phnom Penh and we feasted on chicken, beef, shrimp, pig ears and pigeon while listening to the director of DC-Cam give us advice about our time in Cambodia. It was a great time, but we were all so tired that we had trouble staying awake towards the end of the meal. 

Youk, the director, suggested that we make it a point to have fun before we start the interview process. He told us to make sure to still love Cambodia when we leave, which was really sweet advice. He advised that we are not going to be able to fix Cambodia's problems, that it has to be Cambodia fixing Cambodia's problems. With this advice in mind, we planned to go on a boat ride to a silk weaving village outside of Phnom Penh and spent the better part of the day experiencing "real" Cambodia. We watched the silk weavers, explored a Buddhist temple, and ate AMAZING Cambodian food... I seriously think that i tried 5 fruits that I had never heard of before, and I loved all of them. 

When we were on the Silk island (I have to look up the name if it) there were all these children running around, playing with my class mates, asking for money, taking pictures and just being goofy. I was a little overwhelmed with the Buddhist temple, those kind of places are hard for me because I understand the devotion, but there is no truth there, and it breaks my heart. I wandered outside and away from the rowdy kids and my class to sit on a wall and journal/pray/think. When I was sitting there, a little girl came up to me, she was 12 years old and so beautiful. She didn't say anything, but just smiled and then looked at me with the most intense, beautiful, deep, enduring gaze that I have ever seen... I was captivated by her. She walked with me, and then sat with me again when the rest of the class was goofing around with the kids. She was... beautiful. Strikingly, wretchedly poor, but there was something about her that was just so precious. It made me think of the Shulamite woman in Song of Songs, who is dark but lovely, the object of the Kings affection. My Jesus died to save her. I am typing this to you all and I am on the verge of tears because I will never see her again. I don't know if she will ever have another opportunity to hear the gospel of Christ, and she needs to, because His heart breaks for her and desires to know her.... I desired to know her, to know why she had so much pain and so much beautiful strength in her eyes... and yet He desires her so much more... One of the girls in my class saw us sitting together and came over to us. She gave the girl a scarf and her eyes welled up with tears. She just sat and gazed at us, at me, and I knew there was so much to her, so many deep things that she wanted to express, but was content not to. When we left, she just walked away. My heart is still heavy with it, with her. 

When we came back from our boat ride, we freshened up, explored our neighborhood and got fruit smoothies. We spent time looking in our lonelyplanet guide book and found the yummiest and slowest indian food restaurant to eat at. after dinner I was ready to crash and burn, but my sweet roomie wanted to get a drink to help put her to sleep. Funnily enough, it made her super chatty, so I fell asleep to stories of Eastern European currency and JEP drama... More to come, have to run off to start the day. Today is our first day of interviews - crazy.