After dinner, Jessica, Lauren and I tried to have Bible Study. I have been loving Isaiah 61 lately (thank you, Heather, for sending me that reference!) so we opened it up and read through it...
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion. To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor... Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs..." (Isaiah 61:1-3, 7)
Jessica and I read this, and we were speechless... utterly speechless. We sat there and just stared at the Bible, our beloved Word of God, and just let ourselves marinate in it. It is so hard for both of us to be here in the context that we are here. We know that the people we are talking to are grateful for the chance to share their stories, and that it is part of their healing process, so we are glad to listen, but it is not the comprehensive, all over healing that is found in Christ Jesus. I know that God, in His infinite wisdom, desires to make himself known to every person in this beautiful country, but I am dying inside knowing that I have his hope and I am not speaking it. We are here representing academics, representing DC Cam, working with translators who are Cambodian and do not expect us to do anything more than ask our genocide questions and conduct our research. These people, though, are so much more than a study for me... they are the ones that my Beloved died to save. The weight of that is killing me, it is such a hard position to navigate, and I am struggling with it so much... I want to be speaking the gospel to them. I want to be showing them the hope that I have found in Christ when they have nothing to hope for. I want them to find everlasting joy, peace, and salvation and know that they will be justified by a just God, even if the ECCC does not bring adequate justice to the Cambodian people. The word tells us that the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon us and that we have the anointing to preach the good news to the poor, so I know that I can claim that, but at the same time I am having such a hard time reconciling my position as a member of DC Cam and as a researcher with my passion for people, the nations, and the lost. I want to be an ambassador of reconciliation, I want to help bring the Spirit who will bind up the broken hearted, I want to expose the light of Christ in a place that was filled with darkness. It is so hard. If you know my heart at all, you know that this rambling paragraph does not even capture a sliver of the passion that I have in me, and you can only guess how much this is tearing me apart. I am trying so hard not to emotionally cut myself off from the work we are doing, but at the same time, I don't know how to be true to the Holy God living in me...
Anyway, after Bible Marinate time, we went to bed, and I set my alarm as usual, promising to wake up Lauren when I was out of the shower. At about 2:30am, though, I woke up to my poor roomie getting really sick in the bathroom. The Wendy in my kicked in, and I was in there with her, with a wet wash cloth and her water bottle, trying to sooth her. She got sick 8 times in the next 6 hours, and by the time morning rolled around, we realized that she was dangerously dehydrated. I sat with her in the hospital for about 2-3 hours while she had an IV drip 2 liters of fluids in her. When we got back, we ate lunch and as far as I know she is still asleep in our room.
While in the hospital, God totally answered prayer and we got to have some really sweet conversation. My beautiful roomie is recovering from what she called a "crisis of faith" and is slowly but surely coming back to a knowledge of her identity in Christ. She has a lot of wounds, in many forms, that she is recovering from, but I have full confidence in the healing, redemptive power of the Holy Spirit to come into her heart and speak love to her. I am also praying that if He desires it, God would use me in her life to help break down walls... I mean, this kind of friendship is what I want to be involved in for the rest of my life... I guess it is kinda like setting the captives free.
Wow. God is so good. He is so faithful to answer prayers... Love you all.
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